This post is based on a presentation I gave two weeks ago at the Circle of Gratitude and Love Learning Center.
When we hold onto grievances, no matter how large or small, we are attaching ourselves to negative emotions. Negativity drains the Spirit, leading to physical problems as well as mental and emotional ones. While the words on the death certificates may be different, many people have literally killed themselves by wallowing in negative emotions.
Allowing negative emotions to rule one's self is a slow suicide death by a thousand cuts. Not single cut can be blamed, but each one bleeds us of some of our energy. Each one robs us of some of our Spirit. If the Spirit is a lion, negative emotions are the hyenas that, although not nearly as strong taken one at a time, together can take down the strongest lion in the jungle.
So how does one escape from negative emotions? Through forgiveness. So often forgiveness does more to heal the forgiver than it does to heal the forgiven. Forgiveness is a supreme act of love, not just of the other person, but also of ourselves. By living in love we can heal the pain we cause ourselves by attaching to negative emotions.
Living in Spirit must include forgiving others. You can talk all you want about being centered, being grounded, living in compassion, and all the rest, but if you cannot forgive, you're living a lie. Living in Spirit means to live in connection with all things, especially other people. There is no room for negative emotions in a life filled with Spirit.
Consider that spirituality is concerned with connections; negative emotions separate us from each other. Often it's because the negative emotion comes from our ego. When we feel a negative emotion, it's attached to "I, me, mine."
Another consideration is that much of the time, the negative emotions we feel don't affect the other person at all. Yet that negativity permeates our life. For example, what happens when you get angry because someone else cuts you off in traffic? How does being upset do anything except mess up your own day? The other driver is unaware of your anger, and goes about his day as if nothing has happened, because - to him - nothing has.
What about the boss that ridiculed you in front of others? Do you think it affects his day - in any way at all - for you to sit under a dark cloud of anger and self-righteousness? Do you think he's sitting in his office with his stomach in a knot because you are offended? I've worked for that boss, and I can promise you he's not bothered at all.
In our relationships, the consequences are even more dire. When we allow negative emotions to become ascendant in our relationships, we cut ourselves off from love. We disassociate ourselves from our own loving nature, and we build insurmountable walls between ourselves and those we love. Our own refusal to let go of negative emotions prevents either party in the relationship from having any chance of healing.
In both cases above, the emotions will not go away on their own. Time does not heal all wounds - unless we do the work necessary to that healing. But while we may not be able to change the emotions, we can change our responses.
Positive and negative emotions are constantly at war within us. Consider the Native American story of the two wolves. There are many versions of the story, but the main point is that an elder is instructing and young man. The elder explains that there are two wolves inside him. One is kind, compassionate, giving - the embodiment of spirituality and positive living. The other is mean, self-centered and greedy - the embodiment of negative living. The elder tells of the constant battle between the two, how it goes on every day, over and over. When the young man finally asks which wolf wins the battle, the elder says, "the one I feed."
Another hurdle to overcome when learning to deal with negative emotions is our willingness to blame others for how we deal with our emotions. Placing blame on others is a cop out; it's an easy way to avoid doing the often difficult work of dealing with negative emotions. When we say to ourselves it's someone else's fault, we let ourselves off the hook: If it's their fault, we don't have to do anything!
The only way for us to better deal with negative emotions is to first take responsibility for our emotions, then to deal with them. Sometimes it takes a while before we can change our behavior, but the only way time will heal the wound is if we do our part by letting go of our negative feelings and forgiving the other person. Face the hyenas and deal with them. Don't turn your back on them, expecting them to simply go away. If you do, they'll only continue to rip at your spirit, eventually taking you down.
The best way to deal with these negative emotions is to choose a better response - in this case, forgiving the other party. As the teaching story above shows us, it's up to us which wolf - positive or negative - to feed. But is is a choice, and you have to make a definite choice to be positive. In a sense, this gives the negative emotion an advantage, because it will well up in us uncalled for, and unwelcome.
When that happens, you can - and must - make the choice to be positive instead. You have to say, "no, I'm not going to let my anger (or fear, or hurt) control me. You must then act in concert with that choice, and you have to keep doing it every time that negative thought returns. When this happens, it helps me to remember that the returning thought is simply an indication that I have more work to do. That continued work helps me create a new and better habit in time.
Let's go back to the example of the bad driver. When someone cuts you off, it can startle you. Being startled kicks in your "fight or flight" responses and can quickly turn your fear (you were startled) into anger. This is an automatic reaction, and there's not a lot (at least in the beginning) that you can do about a reaction. What comes next, however, is a response. You've had time to think, and you make a choice as to what you will do next - blare your horn, yell things the driver can't hear and get upset, or stop long enough to take back control of how you feel instead of letting your negative emotions run away with you.
It only takes a moment to change your thinking and therefore your response. You could simply remind yourself of the futility of being angry at someone who will never know. You could stop to think of the many possible reasons for what they did: they may not have realized their lapse; they could be very late and feeling stressed; they could just be a bad driver. In a sense, what you think is not as important as it is to actually stop and think. It's that change of direction that creates the space in which you can choose to respond differently.
In a relationship that has suffered some sort of harm through the actions of another, it can be more difficult to forgive and release the negative emotions, but it can still be done. We have to remind ourselves to not be judgmental. We have to remind ourselves that we aren't perfect, either. We have to remind ourselves of the many reasons we still love, admire and respect the other person, or how important that person is to our lives. When we've suffered significant hurt, we may have to repeat the forgiveness numerous times - often several times a day - before we can heal ourselves, and the relationship. But it can be done.
Another kind of work we can do in some of these interpersonal situations is to look at the issue with a determination to find a solution, a different way of acting, or being together, or dealing with whatever the problem is. In order for you to do that effectively, however, you have to be in a space where you can communicate constructively. Most of that time, that means you have to forgive the other person, bring you back to Square 1 where you started. You have to consciously work on forgiveness.
Only you can do that work, however. Only you can choose to free yourself from the negative emotions and learn to create better responses. No one else can do it for you. Reading a book or attending a seminar isn't going to get the job done - unless it gives you useful tools and you use them! In fact, that's all any information source (even this article) can do: it can give you the necessary tools to get the job done.
The hammer doesn't build the house; the carpenter does. The wrench doesn't fix the car; the mechanic does. If you would build a house of positive living - living a life with Spirit - pick up your hammer and go to work. And let forgiveness be the roof that protects you from the storms of debilitating negative emotions.
In peace,
Lane
When we hold onto grievances, no matter how large or small, we are attaching ourselves to negative emotions. Negativity drains the Spirit, leading to physical problems as well as mental and emotional ones. While the words on the death certificates may be different, many people have literally killed themselves by wallowing in negative emotions.
Allowing negative emotions to rule one's self is a slow suicide death by a thousand cuts. Not single cut can be blamed, but each one bleeds us of some of our energy. Each one robs us of some of our Spirit. If the Spirit is a lion, negative emotions are the hyenas that, although not nearly as strong taken one at a time, together can take down the strongest lion in the jungle.
So how does one escape from negative emotions? Through forgiveness. So often forgiveness does more to heal the forgiver than it does to heal the forgiven. Forgiveness is a supreme act of love, not just of the other person, but also of ourselves. By living in love we can heal the pain we cause ourselves by attaching to negative emotions.
Living in Spirit must include forgiving others. You can talk all you want about being centered, being grounded, living in compassion, and all the rest, but if you cannot forgive, you're living a lie. Living in Spirit means to live in connection with all things, especially other people. There is no room for negative emotions in a life filled with Spirit.
Consider that spirituality is concerned with connections; negative emotions separate us from each other. Often it's because the negative emotion comes from our ego. When we feel a negative emotion, it's attached to "I, me, mine."
Another consideration is that much of the time, the negative emotions we feel don't affect the other person at all. Yet that negativity permeates our life. For example, what happens when you get angry because someone else cuts you off in traffic? How does being upset do anything except mess up your own day? The other driver is unaware of your anger, and goes about his day as if nothing has happened, because - to him - nothing has.
What about the boss that ridiculed you in front of others? Do you think it affects his day - in any way at all - for you to sit under a dark cloud of anger and self-righteousness? Do you think he's sitting in his office with his stomach in a knot because you are offended? I've worked for that boss, and I can promise you he's not bothered at all.
In our relationships, the consequences are even more dire. When we allow negative emotions to become ascendant in our relationships, we cut ourselves off from love. We disassociate ourselves from our own loving nature, and we build insurmountable walls between ourselves and those we love. Our own refusal to let go of negative emotions prevents either party in the relationship from having any chance of healing.
In both cases above, the emotions will not go away on their own. Time does not heal all wounds - unless we do the work necessary to that healing. But while we may not be able to change the emotions, we can change our responses.
Positive and negative emotions are constantly at war within us. Consider the Native American story of the two wolves. There are many versions of the story, but the main point is that an elder is instructing and young man. The elder explains that there are two wolves inside him. One is kind, compassionate, giving - the embodiment of spirituality and positive living. The other is mean, self-centered and greedy - the embodiment of negative living. The elder tells of the constant battle between the two, how it goes on every day, over and over. When the young man finally asks which wolf wins the battle, the elder says, "the one I feed."
Another hurdle to overcome when learning to deal with negative emotions is our willingness to blame others for how we deal with our emotions. Placing blame on others is a cop out; it's an easy way to avoid doing the often difficult work of dealing with negative emotions. When we say to ourselves it's someone else's fault, we let ourselves off the hook: If it's their fault, we don't have to do anything!
The only way for us to better deal with negative emotions is to first take responsibility for our emotions, then to deal with them. Sometimes it takes a while before we can change our behavior, but the only way time will heal the wound is if we do our part by letting go of our negative feelings and forgiving the other person. Face the hyenas and deal with them. Don't turn your back on them, expecting them to simply go away. If you do, they'll only continue to rip at your spirit, eventually taking you down.
The best way to deal with these negative emotions is to choose a better response - in this case, forgiving the other party. As the teaching story above shows us, it's up to us which wolf - positive or negative - to feed. But is is a choice, and you have to make a definite choice to be positive. In a sense, this gives the negative emotion an advantage, because it will well up in us uncalled for, and unwelcome.
When that happens, you can - and must - make the choice to be positive instead. You have to say, "no, I'm not going to let my anger (or fear, or hurt) control me. You must then act in concert with that choice, and you have to keep doing it every time that negative thought returns. When this happens, it helps me to remember that the returning thought is simply an indication that I have more work to do. That continued work helps me create a new and better habit in time.
Let's go back to the example of the bad driver. When someone cuts you off, it can startle you. Being startled kicks in your "fight or flight" responses and can quickly turn your fear (you were startled) into anger. This is an automatic reaction, and there's not a lot (at least in the beginning) that you can do about a reaction. What comes next, however, is a response. You've had time to think, and you make a choice as to what you will do next - blare your horn, yell things the driver can't hear and get upset, or stop long enough to take back control of how you feel instead of letting your negative emotions run away with you.
It only takes a moment to change your thinking and therefore your response. You could simply remind yourself of the futility of being angry at someone who will never know. You could stop to think of the many possible reasons for what they did: they may not have realized their lapse; they could be very late and feeling stressed; they could just be a bad driver. In a sense, what you think is not as important as it is to actually stop and think. It's that change of direction that creates the space in which you can choose to respond differently.
In a relationship that has suffered some sort of harm through the actions of another, it can be more difficult to forgive and release the negative emotions, but it can still be done. We have to remind ourselves to not be judgmental. We have to remind ourselves that we aren't perfect, either. We have to remind ourselves of the many reasons we still love, admire and respect the other person, or how important that person is to our lives. When we've suffered significant hurt, we may have to repeat the forgiveness numerous times - often several times a day - before we can heal ourselves, and the relationship. But it can be done.
Another kind of work we can do in some of these interpersonal situations is to look at the issue with a determination to find a solution, a different way of acting, or being together, or dealing with whatever the problem is. In order for you to do that effectively, however, you have to be in a space where you can communicate constructively. Most of that time, that means you have to forgive the other person, bring you back to Square 1 where you started. You have to consciously work on forgiveness.
Only you can do that work, however. Only you can choose to free yourself from the negative emotions and learn to create better responses. No one else can do it for you. Reading a book or attending a seminar isn't going to get the job done - unless it gives you useful tools and you use them! In fact, that's all any information source (even this article) can do: it can give you the necessary tools to get the job done.
The hammer doesn't build the house; the carpenter does. The wrench doesn't fix the car; the mechanic does. If you would build a house of positive living - living a life with Spirit - pick up your hammer and go to work. And let forgiveness be the roof that protects you from the storms of debilitating negative emotions.
In peace,
Lane
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